Eric (00:00.34)
Hi again, everybody. I'm Eric Fletcher. Welcome into another episode of Chasing Better Conversations, where we begin with this idea that consequential change often begins with the best conversations we are able to muster. In order to dive a bit deeper, I get to sit down for discussions with some friends, some colleagues, and a healthy dose of brand new acquaintances along the way.
But on today's episode, I want to back away and recalibrate or reset the stage for what we're talking about here. And that is this idea that there are moments when the right conversation can change everything. You name the arena, whether it's personal, business, social, political, or some mashup of any or...
all of these, every one of us has engaged in multiple conversations, maybe multiple conversations in the last few days, about something that we believe, something in our view that can be improved upon, something that needs to change. But we also all know the reality. Consequential change can be painfully slow.
Here's a case in point. Over a cup of coffee one Saturday morning not too long ago, a friend somewhat gleefully announced that he and his wife believed they'd stumbled onto a way to finally get the 13 -year -old daughter to care about keeping her room clean. Raise your hand if you can identify. We'd talked about his challenge before. He told me,
how for more than a year, just about every time he walked by a room, he could feel his blood pressure going up at the sight of a room that looked as if a tornado had struck it. And he could feel his ears getting red. He knew that his temper was taking over. And as the story unfolded over the last few months, he
Eric (02:22.03)
continually expressed frustration over two realities first that the condition of her room had changed little in that period of time and secondly his visceral response was beginning to define the way that he interacted with his daughter and indeed really with the rest of his family at almost every turn But on this Saturday morning with a new
exuberance. He announced that he and his wife had cracked the code. They'd found a way to change the discussion. And we'll pause in the story here for a moment and just underscore the fact that when day after day we come face to face with whatever for us is the equivalent to a teenager's messy room, one of the reasons things don't change might be
that we are having the same conversation over and over again. And that's part of our premise here, that if nothing much changes, maybe we need to look for a better conversation. Whether the context is a relationship, a cause or a professional challenge or an opportunity that's come along, repeatedly approaching any issue with the same mindset and
the same talking points and expecting any kind of different outcome, much less a whole new outcome. Well, we all know the saying that to repeat the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. That's the definition of insanity, right? Which gets us back to my friend who
Having finally dispensed with the insanity of having the same conversation over and over again, began describing the interaction that changed everything in his family. He and his wife sat down around the kitchen table with their teenage daughter. And the conversation, as he recounted it, went something like this. Sweetheart.
Eric (04:42.51)
We love you no matter what. We want to underscore that. We're not going to allow the way that we feel about the way that you keep your room, the condition of your room. We're not going to allow that to define the way we relate to each other. At the same time, we do expect a certain level of neatness in the home. So our insistence on a clean room, that stands.
However, we want you to have a voice. We want you to choose how you'll comply with this requirement. You can either choose to clean your room yourself or you can use your allowance to pay us to have the room cleaned for you. It's your choice. I'm not a child psychologist and the point here is
not to endorse my friend's specific solution. But it is to suggest this. In situations where consequential change is the goal, where you hope to move the ball down the road in a certain direction, where progress is painful, it might be time to ask, is there a better conversation that we can have? Can a better con...
conversation emerge. And if you're so inclined, where in the world do we begin when it comes to searching for a way to have a better conversation? Well, I'd like to share a framework with you today and you're invited to test drive the framework. Use it wherever you feel like the same old soundtrack is changing nothing and you'd like to see if something else might work.
So with that said, here's the framework. First of all, productive conversations are characterized by respect, deep respect for the other individuals engaged in the discussion. So this is not to suggest that this is an easy fix, but it is to say that when I inject a healthy dose of respect into an interaction where once there was
Eric (07:09.55)
none, I already have a shot at changing the conversation and that is a beginning. So healthy respect is where we begin. Number two, productive conversations are characterized by a commitment to intellectual honesty. Now this isn't about agreeing to a set of facts, rather it is about a willingness to think.
to entertain and explore and to be honest with ourselves. We all know how to do that. Sometimes we stray. Sometimes we end up fooling ourselves into thinking we believe something in a particular discussion. But a hallmark of great conversations is a commitment to intellectual honesty.
The third part of the framework is that productive conversations are characterized by what I call a childlike curiosity. A curiosity that drives us to seek to understand at least as much as I seek to be understood. Really, it probably pushes you more in the direction of seeking to understand. The result of this is a bias for listening.
listening to what's said, listening to what is hidden between the lines, and to what might fall between the cracks because we have difficulty putting it into words. And finally, productive conversations. This is the fourth part of the framework. Productive conversations always strive to build a bridge. Big change will rarely materialize overnight. The best conversations are
bridges to the next interaction, to the next conversation, and then the next. This is the key to a bridge that eventually can span chasms, that can connect diverse perspectives, that can bring about some measurable change. Well, back to my friend for a moment. A few days after he and his wife had their kitchen
Eric (09:36.462)
table conversation with their 13 year old daughter. The 13 year old re -engaged on the topic and she asked her parents whether she could elect to split the difference and in one cycle clean the room herself and then in the next cycle, whether it was a week or every two weeks, I'm not sure, but in the next cycle, whether she could pay the
Eric (10:09.582)
that he had a new challenge on his hand because he had a budding negotiator in the house. All of us understand the power that words can have. We know what interactions can do. We know they can have impact and change reality. The problem is that we can fool ourselves into thinking that we're having conversations when...
really what we're doing is something closer to arguing or debating or posturing, even performing. And look, there's probably a time for each one of these. Maybe that's a discussion for another day. But we should not mistake them, any of those, for a real conversation that might change everything. Better conversations are characterized by
by respect, honesty, curiosity, and bridge -building. Wherever we seek to precipitate change, we do well to pay close attention to the soundtrack and to resist the temptation to revert to the same old talking points born of the same time.
might find that you can change.
the right conversation. Well, I hope those ideas are helpful. This really is one of the cornerstones around which we build the podcast content. This idea that conversations are powerful. They are the fabric of relationships. They're the fabric of strong communities. And with the right conversations, we can instigate and realize real change.
Eric (12:04.11)
If you'd like to receive a graphic representation of this framework, just shoot me a note at ericfletcherconsult .com.
I'll drop a copy of the framework in an...
again for joining us today. If you're inclined, please take a second to rate and review the podcast wherever you receive your podcasts. It really does help along the way. It helps folks who are looking for this kind of content and it helps us keep the show going. And until next time, here's to better conversations for all of us.
